I pulled out the keepsake memory folder today that the hospital gave me nineteen years ago, and even though it shows considerable signs of age with its ripped corners and torn seams, the memory of it all is still very fresh and vivid in my mind.
I read the outside cover and noticed the list of items checked off by the nurse as they were placed inside...
Photograph - check
Footprints - check
ID Bracelets- check
Lock of hair (crossed out)
Born three months too soon her hair was not long enough to cut a lock and add to our envelope of monumental treasures.
As I spilled out the precious contents stored inside a wave of emotions that I was'nt expecting swept over me. My eyes filled with tears and my heart ached with sadness, as I was reminded of the significant loss of my sweet baby girl.
picture of Kylie a half hour after she was born
I wish I had a better picture of Kylie than this one. The hospital took it with a Polaroid camera. We didn't know we were going to be having our baby or we would have taken our camera with us to the hospital. Looking back we were pretty much in shock and not thinking very straight. She looks like she has brown hair but that is just a huge purple bruise. She actually had white peach fuzz all over the top of her head, its hard to see but it was the same color as her eyelashes. Even though she looked pretty beat up she was perfect to me and will always be my beautiful little angel.
This is how I found out Kylie had passed away. I got to hold her for a little while after she was born before the nurse took her from me since I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't hold her any longer. A little while later she walked into my room and handed me this card.
When we arrived at the mortuary the funeral director opened my car door and set Kylie's casket on my lap and said "I thought it would be nice and peaceful for you to drive the casket to the grave site together as a family." Well the minute he shut the door Ashley started screaming and crying from the back seat..."I want to see my baby sister!" over and over again. Suddenly our small car seemed to shrink and I felt like I could barely breath. As we slowly wound our way through the cemetery with tears streaming down my face, I thought to myself... this doesn't feel very nice and certainly isn't very peaceful.
Justin was almost eight years old and Ashley was five and a half. My heart ached for them as well, since this was the fourth baby we had lost in the previous two and a half years.
You can tell in the pictures below that I was concerned about how they were absorbing the overwhelming reality of it all.
(worried about Justin)
(worried about Ashley)
Notice Justin's walking cast in this picture. He broke his foot in three places about a month earlier at his baseball practice. His friend challenged him in a race to the top of the backstop and back down. Game on... When Justin reached the top he noticed Logan was already on his way back down, so he jumped....Far! Technically Justin won (by cheating) but he also broke his foot!
I went into premature labor on Mothers Day 1989 and delivered Kylie early the next morning. I had just bought this new maternity dress the day before as a Mothers Day gift for myself.
Linda helped Pat pick out the grave site while I was stuck in the hospital for four days hooked up to antibiotics to help clear up the infection that was now in my bloodstream. We were lucky and got a spot right in front of this statue of Christ because they had just torn out a sidewalk that was right in front of it.
Linda helped Pat pick out the grave site while I was stuck in the hospital for four days hooked up to antibiotics to help clear up the infection that was now in my bloodstream. We were lucky and got a spot right in front of this statue of Christ because they had just torn out a sidewalk that was right in front of it.
Below is a poem that I wrote on July 25, 1989.
It's a little sugary but oh well : )
Kylie
She was my tiny angel sent from Heaven above,
even though her time was short, she taught us faith and love
Swaddled in a blanket, her warm body nestled mine,
knowing all the while she didn't have much time
I cradled and rocked her gently, and kissed her little cheek,
the pain I felt, the tears I shed, were truly bittersweet
Softly I whispered in her ear I love you,
and though she could not answer back I knew she loved me too
She came then left so quickly, It is hard to understand,
but for one brief solemn hour I held her tiny hand
My memories of her are very few but will never fade away,
she changed my life forever that early Spring morning in May
Each day that is filled with sorrow and empty loneliness,
I remind myself, I will see her again... and I feel humbly blessed
In response to a comment my niece left on this post, I decided to add one more picture. The picture below is of the darling dress and matching blanket my sister Linda made for Kylie to be buried in. She had to do a lot of the busy work for me since I was pretty sick and forced to stay in the hospital until the day before we buried her. I guess when you have an infection coursing through your veins it's probably a good idea. Anyway she had three little kids and Dave was out of town, but somehow she found the time to get it done.
Linda you really went out of your way to make kylie look extra special and I love you for it!!
Linda you really went out of your way to make kylie look extra special and I love you for it!!
(picture of Kylie's dress on Ashley's baby doll)
8 comments:
I remember when she was born. Did Linda make her a dress? It seems like I remember that too...
This is such a sweet post. She must have been one special little spirit to only have had to live for such a short time.
You have a good memory Brooke considering you were only nine when she was born! Yes Linda did make her a cute dress and matching blanket to be buried in. I added a picture of it to the post.
That was such a sweet post... totally made me cry! I remember when she was born. I have sweet memories of visiting her grave site on Christmas Eve each year. How great it will be when you get to see her again!
That is such a touching post. I got tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry that you all had to experience that. It's nice that you can have those memento's of her life.
Lisa, I have often thought of you while I was pregnant and what that would have been like to lose a baby so little and to have several miscarriages. You are amazing and I can't wait to see little Kylie one day.
Great post Mom, still kinda remember all of that, although it has faded a great deal.
I think it's no coincidence that this usually falls pretty closely to Mother's day, as this is just another testament to what an incredible mother you are!
Cried all the way through it. What a tender memory. I am so glad you are doing this!
I cant believe it has been 19 years! Sweet lil Kylie I love her:) P.S. That was totally hard to get that all made with 3 little kiddies, not because Courtney was barley one. but because Tanner was only 3!!!! Yikes But i would do anything for my Kylie. Love ya Linda
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